Sunday 31st July 2011

So.  Here I am, reader.  Under house arrest because of the annual horror-fest that is the Sunderland International Airshow.  You know, I resent the fact that the council has the audacity to call it 'international'.  In actual fact, it is just an excuse for the vagabonds of local council estates to strip off, wear ill-fitting Primark vests, show off their tattoos, drink too much and piss in the streets.
Yesterday, I decided to have a stroll along the beach before the aircraft started to fly past.  My god.  People unpacking picnics, sitting in deckchairs on the beach.  Vile in the extreme.  Let me be perfectly frank.  Once you have seen one plane, surely the 'excitement' subsides??

There did seem to be quite a few lesbians on the prowl, though.  Not my sort though.  More like the Bulgarian Shot-Putters that I spoke about in my previous blog entry

http://ebony-fragiletension.blogspot.com/2011/07/god-im-b-o-r-e-d.html

Miss Underscore and I were chatting during our Saturday jaunt to Newcastle yesterday.  I mentioned that I had signed up for a couple of t'internet dating sites.  She seemed intrigued by these.  Indeed, I don't think that she could wait to get home to sign up for a free trial so that she could 'fix me up' with a suitable  lay-dee.  I'm taking the whole dating thing with a huge pinch of sea salt flakes (you didn't think that I used Saxa, reader....did you?).  Sometime, I confess that I find it embarrassing, almost sleazy.  However, I shall persevere with it until my month's subscription is up.  Mad Nurse Gladys emailed me on one of these sites - she had no idea who the hell she was emailing (I have no photo on there and masquerade under a pseudonym). However, I think that her idea of 'sexy flirting' needs some work.  Her email read as follows:

'Hi.  How you are?'  I did not respond, reader.  Christ, a little more effort required, I think. And please, get the words in the right fucking order.

On a more positive note, my physio has finally accepted my friend request on Facebook.  I have indulged in a bit of witty banter with her. Am seeing her again on Wednesday for treatment.  However, she cannot go too near my gash with the acupuncture needles in case it gets infected.  That's the gash where my cyst was.  Just in case you wondered.  Nothing will ever come of our banter - but it is a tad flirtatious at times.  Particularly as I usually have my top off and feel all naked and vulnerable when it happens.  She confided in me during my last visit that all is not well with her relationship.  Seven years they have been together.

Hmmm.  I recall that Phil and I hit the skids after seven years.  Although, he did manage to come up with the worst excuse EVER when he failed to come home one night after a drinking session.  Picture the scene.  Madam Noir has hardly slept, fearing that her boyfriend has been attacked, left for dead...anything could have happened.  She rings her mam who is equally as worried.  The rotter finally turns up in the early afternoon.  The dialogue goes as follows:

Me:  'Where the hell have you been?  I've been worried sick.  I thought you'd had an accident.'

Him:  'Ah, erm.....I got so drunk that I forgot where I lived.'

Needless to say that I kicked him out not long after this episode.  I will always remember when I returned to the house that we had shared for many years.  He could have trashed the place, taken anything.  I discovered that he had taken a pillow from the bed that we shared, a jar of Nescafe and a box of Frosties cornflakes (they're grrrrreeaatt!!!).  I still chuckle now when I think about that.

Anyway, time to exit stage left and get some washing out.  Until next time.

Some of my favourite tracks of all time - part 2

Ok, we move on now:

• 'Shot By Both Sides' by Magazine.  I think that, if I was absolutely pushed to select my favourite track from the punk/new wave era, it would be this one.  
• 'Are Mothers Saints?' by Manic Street Preachers.  This is a little-known B-side of their early 1994 single, 'Life Becoming A Landslide'.  It's a wonderful track.  I loved the Manics in this era: from 'Gold Against The Soul' up to and including 'The Holy Bible' - they could do no wrong.  Plus, I lusted after bassist Nicky Wire like no-one's business.
• 'Fragments' by Manic Street Preachers - standout track for me from their 'Lifeblood' album.  
• 'Oh My Love' by Martin Gore - cover of the old John Lennon track.  Gore does a much better version of it than the bespectacled, Yoko-fixated ex-Beatle.  
• 'Woodstock' by Matthews Southern Comfort.  My mam used to love this, in fact it was one of her favourite songs.  I made sure that it was played at her funeral.  I love it - I can play it now without getting upset.
• 'Nothing Else Matters' by Metallica.  This is a stunning track.  Just gorgeous.  Reminds me of being at college in the very early-90's.
• 'She's Out Of My Life' by Michael Jackson - I defy anyone not to get a little bit moved when he starts to cry at the end!  Great break-up song, so fucking sad.
• 'Rearrange' by Miles Kane.  This is a relatively recent track.  Great line - 'you rearrange my mind'.  What it must feel like to feel like that about someone, eh?
• 'Break Up The Family' by Morrissey.  From 1988 album, 'Viva Hate'.  Before he became a complete cunt.
• 'Bliss' by Muse - second track from their 'Origin of Symmetry' album.  A complete cacophony of noise and wailing - but I think it's great. 
• 'Undisclosed Desires' by Muse - great bassline.  Reminds me of a special time in my life.
• 'I Want To Wake Up' by Pet Shop Boys.  Love this track, from 1987 album 'Actually'.  It was just the most perfect album at the time, although sounds a tad dated now.
• 'Gigantic' by Pixies - 'a big, big love' indeed.  Great bassline and vocals - Kim Deal is genius.  
• 'Public Image' by PIL.  Another great punk era track.  
• 'Crown of Creation' by Ride.  It may sound a little twee, but Andy Bell (he who defected to Oasis...boo...hisss!!!) penned this about his wife Idha.  It's a lovely track - but he's still a cunt.
• 'Vapour Trail' by Ride.  From their first album, 'Nowhere'.  It's a beautiful track, just typical of the 'shoe-gazing' era from which it came.
• 'No Ordinary Love' by Sade - just for that great bassline. 
• 'Glass of Champagne' by Sailor - used to sing this as a 3 year old child.  Happy, happy memories.
• 'Heaven Only Knows' by Santa Cruz - I think that they slid off the face of the earth after releasing this in 1997 - doesn't stop it being a top track.
• 'Submission' by Sex Pistols - best track from 'Never Mind The Bollocks'
• 'Return' by Shed Seven.  A-m-a-z-i-n-g.
• 'Untitled 4' by Sigur Ros.  Gorgeous, ethereal track by Scandinavian band.
• 'Unloveable' by The Smiths - very me.  'I wear black on the outside, cos black is how I feel on the inside....'
• 'Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me' by The Smiths.  Again, very me.  
• 'You're My Star' by Stereophonics.  I don't usually like this band, but this is a really good track.  He doesn't do that 'scream-y' thing with his voice. Thank God.
• 'Dry Your Eyes' by The Streets.  Rap stuff (is this rap??) isn't usually my kind of thing, but this is so fucking sad.  You can tell his heart has been broken before.
• 'She's Not Dead' by Suede.  From their debut album.  Wonderfully melancholic.
• 'Ieya' by Toyah Wilcox - yes, you may laugh but I love this track.  From a great album called 'The Edge of The Seventies' - some great new wave tracks on there.  
• 'Falling Down' by Travis - from their first album - before they got a bit dull.  Another great track from that album is 'U16 Girls' - it's a good 'un.
• 'Mid-Life Krysis' by Travis.  By 'eck, they've done some good tracks, this lot.  Went to see them with Madam Verte at Newcastle Riverside in 2004.  Except that it's called Foundation - it was the old Riverside club.
• 'The Sun Ain't Gonna Shine Anymore' - The Walker Brothers.  The only bad thing is that it was used in that bloody awful drama 'Truly Madly Deeply'. 
• 'No Regrets' by Scott Walker - what a voice.  Just brilliant.
• 'My Favourite Dress' by The Wedding Present - my first boyfriend loved them.  I sometimes think that he had a wee crush on singer, David Gedge.  Fab song, so can fully understand if he did!
• 'Infinity' by The XX.  I can't begin to explain how much I love this song.  One of my top 10 fave tracks - ever.
• 'Fine Time' by Yazz.  Ancient track from around 1989-ish.  Reminds me of carefree days at school with good friends.
• 'Throw It All Away' by Zero 7.  This is a great track.  From the album 'The Garden', which was pretty poor by comparison.

And there you have it.  My recommendations.  My favourite tracks of all time.  So far.........

Check some of them out - I guarantee that there are some real gems in there. 

And some of my favourite tracks of all time.....

I blogged yesterday about seminal albums in my life.  Albums were hard enough to weedle down.  Singles are quite another matter.  I have over 8500 songs in my iTunes account and many, many more that I haven't even downloaded to iTunes....yet.  The CD boxes are stacked in crates in any spare cupboard and my shed.  It will be a huge task to sort them all out, I'm sure.  So, without further ado, let's take a sentimental journey down Madam Noir's past.......

• 'Money, Money, Money' by Abba - God, I simply loved Abba when I was a child.  I had quite a crush on Agnetha (blonde one).  I wanted to be just like her.  Except I am tone deaf.  And look nothing like her.  She was a thing of great beauty - how anyone could have preferred skanky Frida, I'll never know.  This track, I think, is their finest - but it was so hard to choose (bubbling under was 'Fernando', 'Tiger' and 'Slipping Through My Fingers')
• 'Wake Up Alone' by Amy Winehouse.  A fine tune by a disturbed, crazy artist.  Makes me sad when I hear it, but not in a depressed way - sometimes, feeling sad can feel quite nice, don't you think?
• 'Home Lovin' Man' by Andy Williams - this was one of my dad's favourites, and so it always reminds me of him.  He worked away a lot when I was growing up - I can't imagine how hard it must have been for him, living away from his home and family for 5 days a week, only returning on weekends.  
• '505' by Arctic Monkeys - now, this is not the sort of band that I like.  Actually, find them a little annoying.  But this track is wonderful - makes the hairs on the back of my neck get all erect (oo-er...).
• 'I Only Have Eyes For You' by Art Garfunkel - sadly, although I love the song, I do not have eyes for Art, as he is so plug-ugly...I could not watch him perform this.  To this end, he has the perfect face for radio.
• 'The Way We Were' by Barbra Streisand - my mother's influence.  As a child, she would play music in the house - artists like Babs, Dionne Warwick, Dusty Springfield, even Nana Mouskouri (my mam holidayed in Greece as she had a Greek boyfriend before she met my dad).
• 'Scarlet Beautiful' by The Beloved.  I bought the album from which this track came ('Happiness') in 1989.  It was a great, blissed-out album...captured the spirit of the period so well.  But this was a wonderful track.
• 'Touch Me With Your Love' by Beth Orton - she has such a seductive quality about her voice.  Perfect for listening to as it's getting dark outside, candles burning, red wine flowing - and good company (of the female variety...ahem!).
• 'Sexuality' by Billy Bragg - God, this reminds me of going to student nights in Sunderland.  Woolly cardigans and love beads.  Cheap, watered-down ale.  Snogging lads on the stairwell at Ku Club.  Happy days.
• 'Caramel' by Blur.  I always associate this song with someone taking drugs.  I have no idea why, but it sounds like the sonic equivalent of someone shooting up heroin.  Listen to it and see if you get where I'm coming from.  Beautifully layered track, though.  Gorgeous.
• 'The Greatest' by Cat Power.  I don't know much about her, only have one track on my iTunes by her.  But, fuck me...what a great tune.  
• 'Flower' by The Charlatans.   I discovered this in early 1994.  I was ceremoniously dumped by me then boyfriend.  Thought I was going to die of a broken heart.  So, went to visit my Aunty Margaret and Uncle Eddie in deepest, darkest Saddleworth (site of the Moors Murders...nice).  I ventured into Manchester and bought this while I was there.  This tune just seemed to capture something about how I was feeling at the time. 
• 'Wicked Game' by Chris Isaak.  Because it is just fucking gorgeous - that's all.
• 'Lovers and Friends' by The Communards.  A lovely song, Jimmy Somerville's vocals are haunting.  Not sure how he managed to get 'that high'.  Perhaps one of the sound engineers was buggering him during the recording...
• 'Corrupt' by Depeche Mode.  Quite a perverse little number, I think.  But, I love it...
• 'Transatlanticism' by Death Cab For Cutie.  This is a wonderful song.  Was used in an episode of Six Feet Under, but I think I discovered it before this.  It makes me sad and happy all at once.  I recall that Debbie (ex) loved it too when she first heard it.
• 'Newborn' by Depeche Mode.  OK, reader.  This is going to come as a huge shock to you.  This is my absolute favourite Mode track. Ever. It's immense, love love love it.  It is criminal that it was only ever a B-side (of 'A Pain That I'm Used To').  Dave Gahan's vocals are superb - like he really means every word.  
• 'Don't Leave Home' by Dido.  Yes, a rather unfashionable choice, but I love this track.  Great lyrics too.
• 'Secret Love' by Doris Day - every closeted lesbian's track of choice!  And I am no exception.  
• 'M62 Song' by Doves - this is a gorgeous album track.  Very atmospheric.  I once drove on the M62 past the moors whilst listening to this - dead spooky!  The M62 approaching Saddleworth is my favourite stretch of motorway (is that weird, to have a favourite bit of motorway?)
• 'Stepping Stone' by Duffy.  Christ, think I have been used as a stepping stone a few times.  But, I live to tell the tale, eh?  Fuckers!!
• 'The Weight Of The World' by Editors.  This is another epic track from Editors.  I love the line 'every little piece of your life will add up to one'.  Simple, but effective - and true.
• 'Beautiful Freak' by Eels.  Because everyone surely wants to be unique - therefore a beautiful freak.  I've never wanted to 'follow the pack' or do anything just because it's fashionable.  I like that about Eels.
• 'The One' by Elton John.  'All I ever needed was 'the one'' - isn't that what we all want?  It's just that some of us can't find them - or perhaps we just don't need them, who knows.
• 'Spiralling' by Erasure.  A cheery little ditty, right at the end of their 'Circus' album from 1987.  Basically, it's about someone wishing themselves dead after a love affair.  Grisly.
• 'Protection' by Massive Attack.  This is a wonderful track, but I cannot watch Tracey Thorn singing.  Her jaw doesn't fit together properly - the bottom bit juts out.  Therefore, she looks like a gimp.  Great voice though.
• 'YFLMD' by Giant Drag.  It's a mighty strange track, but I love it.  Think I mentioned it in an earlier blog entry.  It stands for You Fuck Like My Dad.
• 'Eighth Day' by Hazel O'Connor.  I first heard this track on a Sunday afternoon in the mid-80's listening to Jimmy Saville's golden oldies show.  And I loved it instantly.  Hard to choose between this track and 'Will You?', both of which came from the fantastic 'Breaking Glass' soundtrack.
• 'This Guy's In Love With You' by Herb Alpert and The Tijuana Brass
• 'Big Fun' by Inner City - reminds me of drinking Castaway, whilst under-age in Sunderland City Centre.  And wearing culottes.  
• 'The Lighthouse' by Interpol.  A very atmospheric track, the last one from 'Our Love To Admire'.  I feel extremely privileged to have seen them play this live at Manchester Apollo.  A truly wonderful song - another 'goosepimple' track.
• 'Skyscraper' by Julian Plenti - AKA Interpol singer Paul Banks' solo project - some gorgeous songs on the album, this being my favourite.  He is a fucking genius.
• 'The Kick Inside' by Kate Bush.  The last track from the album of the same name.  I truly don't think that she got better than this album.  My mam had the original vinyl.  Reminds me of her.
• 'Use Somebody' by Kings of Leon.  I love the song, it has personal meaning for me, which I shan't divulge here.  What I will say is I believed every word of it, like a fool.
• 'Light Years' by Kylie Minogue - pure, unadulterated, gay cheese.  But, hell...I love it.
• 'Tigerlily' by La Roux.  Great track, just loved it from the first time I heard it.
• 'Big Gay Heart' by The Lemonheads.  This is fab.  Evan Dando should have been much bigger, but I guess that's drugs for you, eh?  Reminds me of happy times in the early '90's with my fisrt serious boyfriend.
• 'French Kiss' by Lil' Louis - because it sounds fucking filthy.
• 'I Feel Space' by Lindstrom - instrumental track, very chilled out - quite scary in a way that I can't describe.
• 'Forbidden Love' by Madonna - best track (in my opinion) from 'Confessions On A Dancefloor'.  I feel privileged to have seen her play live - chance of a lifetime.

And so, part two of this entry will be completed another time.........just to keep you in suspense.

Some of the best albums of all time

In absolutely no particular order whatsoever.  I consider these to be albums that have provided the soundtrack to my life.  Yes, some of them may be unfashionable.  Some of them may be plain miserable.  Some may be considered classics.  However, they are all very special to me.  So, without further pre-amble...here we go.

• 'Grace' by Jeff Buckley.  I didn't really know much about Jeff Buckley's work until I had a holiday in New York with Miss Underscore.  She recommended him, and in particular this album.  So, it was purchased and devoured.  I absolutely love it.  Standout tracks for me are 'Lilac Wine', 'So Real', 'Forget Her' and 'Corpus Christi Carol'. I remember vividly one night, I had just finished a physio appointment and it was a dark autumn evening.  I was playing this CD in the car and was on my way home - it was just so atmospheric.
• 'Black Celebration' by Depeche Mode.  A really difficult task for me, picking my favourite Mode album.  This just wins by a whisker.  I wish I had been able to experience them touring this album.  I believe that they played at Whitley Bay Ice Rink, but I didn't really 'get into' them big style until after this album was released.  I love the way that Gore and Gahan's vocals compliment each other perfectly.  I could listen to Martin Gore's voice and never tire of it - it is sublime.  Quite unlike his speaking voice, which is, frankly, hideous.
• 'Interpol' by Interpol.  Bittersweet one, this.  I bought it when it was first released in September 2010.  However, I didn't really play it much until I was on 2 weeks annual leave at the end of September.  That was when Debbie left me.  So, I tended to play this, whilst wallowing in a sea of tears, tissues and Laphroaig single malt whisky.  I would never want to feel like that again.  It's strange that I love it so much, despite the uncomfortable memories it conjures up.  A work of art, pure and simple.  Best tracks - 'All of The Ways' and 'Barricade'.
• 'Best of 00-10' by Ladytron.  Again, very hard just to single out one studio album from this band.  So, have opted for the cheat's way out and gone for the compilation.  Words cannot describe how much I adore Ladytron.  Criminally under-rated in this country.  I first discovered them whilst at an Interpol gig in Manchester.  Ladytron were the support act and they just blew me away.  So much that I actually went out and bought their entire back catalogue upon my return.  Best tracks for me are 'Light & Magic', 'Discotraxx' and everything from the 'Velocifero' album.
• 'The Holy Bible' by Manic Street Preachers.  I feel very fortunate to have seen the Manics when they toured the Holy Bible.  The venue was atrocious - Newcastle University.  The band were on fire.  Not literally, you understand.  Just everything about the way that they played had an 'edge'.  Not long after this, Richey disappeared and things were never quite the same again.  I had the biggest crush on Nicky Wire - worshipped him.  I still think he's a bit of a genius. Lyrically, this is about as good as it gets.
• 'No Parlez' by Paul Young.  This was the first album that I purchased, on my tenth birthday from The Spinning Disc in Sunderland.  It still holds very special memories for me.  I think it was a wonderful debut album, and one that Paul Young never came close to rivalling.  Call me unfashionable, but that is what I think.  I also believe that he can be forgiven for covering 'Love Will Tear Us Apart'.  It wasn't that bad.  
• 'Doolittle' by The Pixies.  This is a fantastic album.  My ex-boyfriend bought me a copy of the CD in 1991, I think.  I always wanted to be like Kim Deal - she was just so utterly cool.  Not a bad track on this.
• 'Going Blank Again' by Ride.  Another vastly under-rated 90's shoe-gazing band. I went to see them live at Newcastle Mayfair, with my then boyfriend, Leighton.  They made another couple of albums and then split.  Andy fucking Bell went on to join Oasis.  Twat.
• 'Melody A.M.' by Royksopp.  This is a wonderful album.  So trippy, chilled out, eerie....They never matched it's sheer brilliance on future releases, sadly.  Although they did come close with a couple of tracks on 'The Understanding' (Beautiful Day Without You and What Else Is There?)
• 'Love and Other Demons' by Strangelove.  Strangelove could have been massive.  They weren't.  Patrick Duff's drug habit was the price they paid.  One of my favourite albums from the 90's.  Every track a stunner.
• 'The XX' by The XX - I categorically decree that they will never be able to come close to this kind of perfection on their second album.  They will probably split under the pressure.  It really was/is that fucking gorgeous.
• 'A Rush of Blood To The Head' - yes, he's a cock. Yes, he's married to a Hollywood star.  I suspect that he's probably not that good at rumpy-pumpy.  That aside, this is a great album.  Then they got too big and got a bit silly with it.  Nonetheless, I still enjoyed their headline slot at Glastonbury.  I always think that liking Coldplay is rather like masturbation.  You know it's wrong, but it feels so good at the time (or so I'm reliably informed...)
• 'The Back Room' - Editors.  Whilst if absolutely pushed, my favourite album of their's would be 'An End Has A Start', I would not have got there without loving this album first.  He's got the most gorgeous voice - like being teased with Thornton's treacle toffee.

And there you have it.  My top albums of all time.  For my next magnum opus, I will work on the standout tracks of all time. Ooooohhhh!!

God, I'm b-o-r-e-d.......

This being off work malarkey is no fun after a few days.  I am utterly bored to tears.  I have spent today getting rid of duplicate songs on iTunes and sorting out my landing cupboard.  Thrilling, eh?
Wound still looks as though I have had a javelin through my hip, but at least it's not oozing tonight.  Hoping that I can get back to work next week....fingers crossed.  Christ, never thought I would hear myself say that.
I was contacted by my colleague, the Irish Setter. She rang to ask how I was and we chatted about the impending redundancy firago.  I think I have decided that I will express my interest.  There are crappy call centre/part-time jobs out there....I'm sure that I could get one whilst I (hopefully) study for the teaching assistant's course.
Am feeling very drab at the moment.  I guess that it what comes of wearing velour leisure pants for over a week.  My hair is rather long, but I am seeing gay hairdresser Stephen tomorrow night....that's if I can lean back comfortably with my manky hip.  It is getting so long at the back - he keeps telling me that I should grow it slightly...but I feel like one of Kajagoogoo with this raging mullet at the back of me.  So, I am having it cut properly tomorrow...none of this fannying about.  The thing is, there is a fine line between having one's hair short, looking stylish like Juliet Binoche in 'Damage' and on the other side of the coin...looking like KD Lang on a bad day.  I would favour the former over the latter any time.
I often wonder about lesbians.  I mean, let's examine the key points when it comes to those with venetian tendencies:

• By definition, lesbians like women
• By definition, a woman should look like a woman, not like a Bulgarian shot-putter
• So, why do so many lesbians look like Bulgarian shot-putters?
• And why do they end up with quite attractive, femme women?
• Am I missing something?
• Do I look like a Bulgarian shot-putter (as opposed to a member of Kajagoogoo?)?
• Do I go for women who look like BSP's?  God, I bloody hope not?

I apologise if, in the course of my dialogue, I have inadvertently offended any Bulgarian shot-putters.  On another note, if there are any of you BSP's out there who don't look like KD Lang, please see me afterwards...

My previous relationships have been with a) a computer nerd who fucked me over and b) a prison nurse who had a very fixed idea of the kind of woman she wanted (ie...not me) and wanted me to change beyond recognition.  I'm beginning to think that all lesbians might just be the same.  Bonkers.  Don't get me wrong, I haven't given up hope completely.  I just think that a lot of people out there are so false.  

Having said that, are men any better?  I have been engaging in witty banter with a Facebook friend who I went to school with.  But it could never be anything other than 'witty banter'.  For two reasons.

1. He is a recovering alcoholic - in itself, this is fine.  However:
2. He is an Oasis fan........for this, there is no known cure.

And I just don't 'do' men anymore.  Simple as that.  Perhaps I am meant to grow old like Ann Widdecombe (only with better hair, please God).  The world will think that I am an old crone, untouched by another human's hand.  

I mean, most of the gay women on these t'internet sites.  They look as butch as hell.  Or they look quite attractive, but you know that they will only want a bit of three-way fun with their husbands.  Life is just so fucking sordid.

OK, to end with, a list of my 'guilty pleasures'.  Songs on my iPod that I love, but feel really bad about.  Please don't hold it against me:

• 'The Man Who Sold The World' - Lulu.  Jason Orange's MILF does tip-top Bowie cover
• 'A Little In Love' - Cliff Richard.  I wholeheartedly blame Madam Verte for this.
• 'Annie's Song' - John Denver.  One of my mam's favourites.  Speccy-four-eyes-songsmith-cum-crap-light aircraft-pilot
• 'Show Me The Way' - Peter Frampton.  The hair.  The 'talking' guitar.  WTF.
• 'Ay Ay Ay Ay Moosey' - Modern Romance.  Words fail me, they really do.
• 'Gypsy Woman (La Da Dee La Da Da)' - Crystal Waters.  Reminds me of clubbing in early 90's.  And not in a good way, let me tell you.

I bid you goodnight, dear reader.....

Early morning Sabbath musings

Just waiting once again for the district nurse to come a-calling.  I have been considering my future, since receiving the letter from work about my 'expression of interest' in redundancy.  I keep telling myself that it is the right thing to do, but am so utterly shit-scared by it all.  Added to this is the fact that I have no-one but myself to rely on in the world.  Don't get me wrong, I have lots of wonderful friends.  But that will not help me pay the bills.  I would be saying goodbye to my pension...but like I have said before, part of me doesn't actually think that I will live that long anyway.  I am torn between the 'life's too short, enjoy it while you can' ethos and the 'look after the future' school of thought (my dad was a real stickler for this)
The thought of looking for another job and trying to 'fit in' somewhere else doesn't fill me with dread, so much as 'i can't be fucking bothered to make the effort' - bet that sounds really lazy, eh?
Does a job really define who you are as a person?  Personally, I think not.
Anyway, I was also thinking about how happy I am living alone.  I have been reflecting a lot lately (call it my age!) and was thinking about when I shared my home with Debbie.  When I look back to when she left, I was in bits - just couldn't see how my life could go on without her in it.  Now, I am so pleased that circumstances took the turn that they did.  It could never have continued.  Maybe I am selfish, but I am fiercely independent and don't want to have to answer to anyone.  Then there was Julie.  Total 'rebound' relationship.  She wanted me to be someone else.  No-one has the right to ask that of a partner. If I'm not good enough as I am, then screw you.  I read on Facebook recently that she was going on a date. Hope that she found what she was looking for.  I think it speaks volumes that I haven't been on the lookout for anyone since.
Wonder what it is that makes some people find a partner and set up home, have a family, etc - whilst others don't?
Moving on to more pressing matters.  My plans for the day?  Might do some ironing.  Perhaps pop to get some groceries.  Watch more crap DVD's.  God, I am yearning for a scone of the day, Miss Underscore. It's been far too long.

Things that I would like to buy

OK, sitting here still waiting for the nurse.  I thought that I would indulge in a bit of 'fantasy-shopping', as both my fragile state of health and my meagre bank balance prevent both.

• Pink cushions from John Lewis.  Ok, I know that I am not immediately known for my love of all things 'pink'.  However, I only desire 2 solitary cushions to pop on each sofa in my back room to 'break up the colour'.  I have seen the perfect ones.  £30 a pop.
• Stripey pink/grey wool rug from Next.  Yes, again, just to inject a much needed splash of colour into the room.  A mere £90.
• Scanner.  I have been wanting to scan a lot of old photos from years back.  Can't do this until I buy a scanner or find someone who has one and wouldn't mind letting me have a lend.  £65
• L'Occitane liquid soap.  Have tried the lavender and love it.  Rather fancy trying the verbena variety.  I notice that QVC have a special beauty day on 17th July.  Might be able to snap up a bargain...
• Jo Malone Nutmeg & Ginger body creme.  My stock of this is diminishing.  At £49 a tub, so is my bank balance.
• Red or Dead tan calf-length boots.  These are the most comfy, high-heeled boots ever.  The softest leather, they are a work of art.  £110

I also need to factor in getting the front of the house painted and mustering the energy to either pay someone or to tackle my overgrown garden myself.  It is shamefully tatty.  Empty crisp packets snuggle in the weeds.  Old sweet wrappers nestle 'neath the dandelions.  It's an embarrassing sight to behold.
Why oh why do houses need so much attention?  Why can't you just paint them, and be done with it?  Why the constant 'keeping on top of things'.  Now I know how my parents felt.

Saturday 2nd July

Well, a lovely sunny Saturday morning.  Lying in bed, I heard the postman popping some letters through my door.  I went to collect them.  A letter from Jo Malone offering me a complimentary hand and arm massage next time I'm visiting (thanks for that).  More importantly, the long-awaited letter from work regarding expressing a 'note of interest' in redundancy.  So, to summarise, the key points:

• A note of interest must be submitted by 29th July 2011
• At this time, if it is determined that this could be progressed at that time, this will be discussed with me in my individual consultation

What seems clear from this letter is that they want the process to be wrapped up fairly quickly.  Hmm, we shall see. 

Now that the letter has arrived, I'm not sure how I feel.  I know it's a big risk that I'll be taking, but I have to do it.  I've thought hard about the fact that I will lose my pension, but frankly - don't think I will live to retirement age anyway.  So, what the hell?  God, I wish that my dad was here to guide me.

Anyway, my plans for a debauched weekend?  Well, I am waiting for the district nurse to come and change my wound dressing.  I've been up since the crack of dawn,  showered and had my breakfast (toasted brioche rolls with dripping Lurpak....heavenly) just in case she arrived early.  Other than that, nothing much.  Need to go to get some shopping, but think I can just about bear the pain of driving for a short while.

A friend posted a link on Facebook to an interview with Liam Gallagher's new band, Beady Eye.  I reluctantly decided to watch it - I think the fellow is an pudding-bowled oaf, personally.  It grieved me to see Andy Bell (ex-Ride guitarist) nattering alongside him.  One of the greatest bands of my youth (Ride, that is) - criminally under-rated, and yet the world goes mad for boorish neanderthals like Gallagher et al.   

Ah, happy memories of my friend and I going to see Ride play at the late, great Newcastle Mayfair.  Supported by The Verve, they were.  Back in the days when they were simply called 'Verve'.  They added the 'The' later when it was revealed that there was an American band called 'Verve'.  Bit of random music trivia for you, there. 

Time to log off, in case nursie comes a calling.........