Wednesday 31st August

Ah well, reader.  Back to work tomorrow after a wonderful weekend in Paris.  Still, looking on the positive side, only two days to endure and then it will be the weekend and the second of my 'Come Dine With Me' dates.  Liv (the host) is opting for a French-themed evening, which should be fun.  Quite apt, considering my jaunt there last weekend.  I sent her a message today, after she had mentioned that the evening would have a French theme.  I advised her to ensure that the food was shit, service was surly and that she raided my purse at the end of the night, leaving me bereft of any currency.  Good Lord, it was expensive.

I went to see Stephen (hairdresser) this afternoon and he raised a very valid point about Paris.  You never see any fat people.  It's true, I had never noticed it...but they are quite a slim race.  The only porkers that I saw were foreign tourists.

I was shocked at the amount of vagrants, beggars and people with strange afflictions (no limbs, limbs that looked very un-limb-like, etc).  Quite tragic and very sad to see.

So, highlights for me?  Well, Venus De Milo at The Louvre, Eiffel Tower, Arc De Triomphe and Sacre Coeur.

I return to Shitty Central tomorrow.  Apparently, one of my cohorts is having some 'problems at home', therefore meaning that I have to do a late shift tomorrow.  Super.  So, the last few hours of my time off have been spent having lunch with my oldest friend.  Followed swiftly by a haircut and quick shopping trip, whereupon I purchased a top from Gap, some chicken liver pate and a punnet of strawberries.  'How very decadent!', I hear you cry.

On to a more sombre subject now.  Seven years ago today, my wonderful mam died.  In some ways, it seems like another lifetime ago, yet in some respects...just as if it happened yesterday.  Weird.  I miss her so much.  Miss her conversation, her silliness, the smell of her hair.  Sometimes the sadness of it all just hits me like a train.  That's grief for you.  No warning of when it will hit again.  Just the sheer pain when it does...the huge sense of loss.  It gets easier, but still hurts like hell.  And so, I pour myself a night-cap (Isle of Jura single malt), listen to some music and just 'remember'.  Here's to you mam...xxx

Wednesday 24th August

Well, reader...only one more day of work to endure and then I am off for almost a week.  Hurray!

Update re: work. They have progressed my note of interest in redundancy.  Although, I found out today that three other colleagues at different locations have also submitted their interest.  So, who knows what will happen.  I am the only one with a personality, so I feel that it is only fair that they let me go...don't you?  Until that decision is made, I will soldier on, doing the day job.  Knowing my luck, I will probably fall off my chair into a boredom-induced coma before that happens.

I have been feeling quite stressed over the last couple of days.  I didn't realise how stressed until I had some physio treatment tonight.  The physio tried to pop an acupuncture needle in my ankle and my foot was jumping all over.  She had to hold it down quite firmly to get the needle in - that has never happened before.

Anyway, enough of this work flim-flammery.  I am looking forward to having a few days off and going on my sojourn to Paris.  Although, dreading the inevitable flight.  I have advised Amy (my holiday-buddy) that we will have to put the world to rights over several glasses of French red wine.  She has handed in her notice at work - she is completely sick of work and is planning to visit a friend in Australia. May even stay out there, eventually.  She has asked me if I want to go, but I can't stand people being so 'chipper', like they are in Oz.  I need a bit of gloom to make me feel normal!

Need to go to the local post office in the morning to get some Euros.  I won't be purchasing anything extravagant in Paris.  Just food/drink.  Plus, entry to galleries/museums, etc.  I desperately want a pic of me by the Eiffel Tower....me and a huge erection....first time for everything.  Hope that it won't be as much of a let down as other erections in my life...

Sunday 21st August

Hmm, finding it very tricky to get my blogging groove back lately.  I simply can't think of anything remotely interesting to say.  So, I have made a cup of tea and eaten an egg custard (M & S, of course) to try and assist my creative flow.

So, my weekend so far has been moderately OK.  Not that I have done anything terribly exciting.  Friday night was spent in the company of my colleague at a Thai restaurant chatting about the prospect of my impending redundancy.  I shall find out about that on Tuesday when I have a one-to-one consultation with a groin in a suit and my union representative.  I fully expect that he will tell me that I have been matched or slotted to a role, that I will be expected to apply for it and that my note of interest in redundancy will not be progressed at this time.

Well, if that is the case, fiendishly cunning 'plan b' will steam into action.  'What is that', I hear you cry, dear reader?  Simple really.  Just to do a bloody awful interview.  Like, really awful.  However, could my conscience allow me to do that?  Would it?  I still have a modicum of pride left.  Admittedly, this dwindles on a daily basis - but it is still there.  I shall update you on my progress during the week.

Went to Newcastle this morning with Miss Underscore.  Had a rather disappointing scone at John Lewis.  Searched for inspiration in HMV for a CD.  Found none.  Just felt myself getting agitated as I moved past the James Blunt section.  Not even a brief meander along the rows of DVD's could inspire me.  So, the sum total of my spends in the city was £9.95 to get a pair of boots re-heeled and £20 on M & S food shopping.  Nothing purchased for my impending sojourn to Paris.  I wanted to alight from the QueasyJet flight looking aloof and confident, like Audrey Hepburn.  However, I fear I will look more like Audrey Roberts.  Parisians are renowned for looking effortlessly stylish, debonair and sexy.  How the hell will I fit in?  I will be taking my Merrell walking shoes for the daytime walks...might take some 'chase me catch me fuck me' heels for the evening...well, maybe in my case...'chase me, catch me, get the Compeed blister plasters out and fuck off'.  I've been hearing about how rude Parisians are.  Hey, that is no problem.  For I can do rude right back at them - the beauty of it is that they won't understand a bloody word of it.  Result.

Am looking forward to the visit to Versailles.  The gardens are meant to be spectacular.  However, if I was in charge of them, I would probably think it too much of a 'chore' and demand that my friendly builder, Ronnie, came to throw wood/slate chippings over it.  Personally, think it would look rather effective.

Anyway, my hedonistic weekend of revelry continued on Saturday with a trip to see the lovely Liv to get my toenails painted.  Then off to meet a guy that I haven't seen since school.  He is a recovering alcoholic.  I haven't told him that I am gay.  He quite clearly wants to be more than friends (a girl just knows these things...I'm not being conceited).  I need to tell him soon. Tough, but that is how it is.

On the afternoon, my ex (Debbie) came to collect some post.  Post that is still being delivered here despite the fact that she moved out last September.  Anyway, we had a chat over several cups of tea.  She was telling me all about her new partner - she sounds happy - I am genuinely pleased for her.

Going off on a monumental tangent, I copied Nirvana's 'Nevermind' album to iTunes this morning before I went to Newcastle.  I had forgotten how fantastic is was - and still is.  God, I bought that CD in 1991.  Things were so much different back then.  I was dating my first boyfriend, was totally besotted with him.  I was at college - in my second year studying for my A-Levels.  Everything about that time seems so magical now.  I suppose it was, looking back.  I didn't have a care in the world, nor a hint of all of the trials and tribulations that were to come over the next 20 years.  It's a good job that we don't know what the future holds, isn't it?

Poem of the Day...nay, of THE YEAR...

Ok, I have had an absolutely diabolical couple of days at work.  Wall to wall shit, just awful atmosphere.  I am sick of explaining myself to my fuckwit boss.  Marked down again in my appraisal.  Cunt.  So, I turn to Philip Larkin to soothe me with his purple prose.

You know what, Philip, me old mucker?  I AM courageous enough to shout 'stuff your pension!'
I yearn for a change, for a simpler, less stressful way of life.  I just NEED the powers that be to accept my note of interest.


Toads - by Philip Larkin 

Why should I let the toad work
Squat on my life?
Can’t I use my wit as a pitchfork
And drive the brute off?

Six days of the week it soils
With its sickening poison -
Just for paying a few bills!
That’s out of proportion.

Lots of folk live on their wits:
Lecturers, lispers,
Losers, loblolly-men, louts-
They don’t end as paupers;

Lots of folk live up lanes
With fires in a bucket,
Eat windfalls and tinned sardines-
They seem to like it.

Their nippers have got bare feet,
Their unspeakable wives
Are skinny as whippets - and yet
No one actually _starves_.

Ah, were I courageous enough
To shout, Stuff your pension!
But I know, all too well, that’s the stuff
That dreams are made on:

For something sufficiently toad-like
Squats in me, too;
Its hunkers are heavy as hard luck,
And cold as snow,

And will never allow me to blarney
My way of getting
The fame and the girl and the money
All at one sitting.

I don’t say, one bodies the other
One’s spiritual truth;
But I do say it’s hard to lose either,
When you have both.

Sunday 31st July 2011

So.  Here I am, reader.  Under house arrest because of the annual horror-fest that is the Sunderland International Airshow.  You know, I resent the fact that the council has the audacity to call it 'international'.  In actual fact, it is just an excuse for the vagabonds of local council estates to strip off, wear ill-fitting Primark vests, show off their tattoos, drink too much and piss in the streets.
Yesterday, I decided to have a stroll along the beach before the aircraft started to fly past.  My god.  People unpacking picnics, sitting in deckchairs on the beach.  Vile in the extreme.  Let me be perfectly frank.  Once you have seen one plane, surely the 'excitement' subsides??

There did seem to be quite a few lesbians on the prowl, though.  Not my sort though.  More like the Bulgarian Shot-Putters that I spoke about in my previous blog entry

http://ebony-fragiletension.blogspot.com/2011/07/god-im-b-o-r-e-d.html

Miss Underscore and I were chatting during our Saturday jaunt to Newcastle yesterday.  I mentioned that I had signed up for a couple of t'internet dating sites.  She seemed intrigued by these.  Indeed, I don't think that she could wait to get home to sign up for a free trial so that she could 'fix me up' with a suitable  lay-dee.  I'm taking the whole dating thing with a huge pinch of sea salt flakes (you didn't think that I used Saxa, reader....did you?).  Sometime, I confess that I find it embarrassing, almost sleazy.  However, I shall persevere with it until my month's subscription is up.  Mad Nurse Gladys emailed me on one of these sites - she had no idea who the hell she was emailing (I have no photo on there and masquerade under a pseudonym). However, I think that her idea of 'sexy flirting' needs some work.  Her email read as follows:

'Hi.  How you are?'  I did not respond, reader.  Christ, a little more effort required, I think. And please, get the words in the right fucking order.

On a more positive note, my physio has finally accepted my friend request on Facebook.  I have indulged in a bit of witty banter with her. Am seeing her again on Wednesday for treatment.  However, she cannot go too near my gash with the acupuncture needles in case it gets infected.  That's the gash where my cyst was.  Just in case you wondered.  Nothing will ever come of our banter - but it is a tad flirtatious at times.  Particularly as I usually have my top off and feel all naked and vulnerable when it happens.  She confided in me during my last visit that all is not well with her relationship.  Seven years they have been together.

Hmmm.  I recall that Phil and I hit the skids after seven years.  Although, he did manage to come up with the worst excuse EVER when he failed to come home one night after a drinking session.  Picture the scene.  Madam Noir has hardly slept, fearing that her boyfriend has been attacked, left for dead...anything could have happened.  She rings her mam who is equally as worried.  The rotter finally turns up in the early afternoon.  The dialogue goes as follows:

Me:  'Where the hell have you been?  I've been worried sick.  I thought you'd had an accident.'

Him:  'Ah, erm.....I got so drunk that I forgot where I lived.'

Needless to say that I kicked him out not long after this episode.  I will always remember when I returned to the house that we had shared for many years.  He could have trashed the place, taken anything.  I discovered that he had taken a pillow from the bed that we shared, a jar of Nescafe and a box of Frosties cornflakes (they're grrrrreeaatt!!!).  I still chuckle now when I think about that.

Anyway, time to exit stage left and get some washing out.  Until next time.

Some of my favourite tracks of all time - part 2

Ok, we move on now:

• 'Shot By Both Sides' by Magazine.  I think that, if I was absolutely pushed to select my favourite track from the punk/new wave era, it would be this one.  
• 'Are Mothers Saints?' by Manic Street Preachers.  This is a little-known B-side of their early 1994 single, 'Life Becoming A Landslide'.  It's a wonderful track.  I loved the Manics in this era: from 'Gold Against The Soul' up to and including 'The Holy Bible' - they could do no wrong.  Plus, I lusted after bassist Nicky Wire like no-one's business.
• 'Fragments' by Manic Street Preachers - standout track for me from their 'Lifeblood' album.  
• 'Oh My Love' by Martin Gore - cover of the old John Lennon track.  Gore does a much better version of it than the bespectacled, Yoko-fixated ex-Beatle.  
• 'Woodstock' by Matthews Southern Comfort.  My mam used to love this, in fact it was one of her favourite songs.  I made sure that it was played at her funeral.  I love it - I can play it now without getting upset.
• 'Nothing Else Matters' by Metallica.  This is a stunning track.  Just gorgeous.  Reminds me of being at college in the very early-90's.
• 'She's Out Of My Life' by Michael Jackson - I defy anyone not to get a little bit moved when he starts to cry at the end!  Great break-up song, so fucking sad.
• 'Rearrange' by Miles Kane.  This is a relatively recent track.  Great line - 'you rearrange my mind'.  What it must feel like to feel like that about someone, eh?
• 'Break Up The Family' by Morrissey.  From 1988 album, 'Viva Hate'.  Before he became a complete cunt.
• 'Bliss' by Muse - second track from their 'Origin of Symmetry' album.  A complete cacophony of noise and wailing - but I think it's great. 
• 'Undisclosed Desires' by Muse - great bassline.  Reminds me of a special time in my life.
• 'I Want To Wake Up' by Pet Shop Boys.  Love this track, from 1987 album 'Actually'.  It was just the most perfect album at the time, although sounds a tad dated now.
• 'Gigantic' by Pixies - 'a big, big love' indeed.  Great bassline and vocals - Kim Deal is genius.  
• 'Public Image' by PIL.  Another great punk era track.  
• 'Crown of Creation' by Ride.  It may sound a little twee, but Andy Bell (he who defected to Oasis...boo...hisss!!!) penned this about his wife Idha.  It's a lovely track - but he's still a cunt.
• 'Vapour Trail' by Ride.  From their first album, 'Nowhere'.  It's a beautiful track, just typical of the 'shoe-gazing' era from which it came.
• 'No Ordinary Love' by Sade - just for that great bassline. 
• 'Glass of Champagne' by Sailor - used to sing this as a 3 year old child.  Happy, happy memories.
• 'Heaven Only Knows' by Santa Cruz - I think that they slid off the face of the earth after releasing this in 1997 - doesn't stop it being a top track.
• 'Submission' by Sex Pistols - best track from 'Never Mind The Bollocks'
• 'Return' by Shed Seven.  A-m-a-z-i-n-g.
• 'Untitled 4' by Sigur Ros.  Gorgeous, ethereal track by Scandinavian band.
• 'Unloveable' by The Smiths - very me.  'I wear black on the outside, cos black is how I feel on the inside....'
• 'Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me' by The Smiths.  Again, very me.  
• 'You're My Star' by Stereophonics.  I don't usually like this band, but this is a really good track.  He doesn't do that 'scream-y' thing with his voice. Thank God.
• 'Dry Your Eyes' by The Streets.  Rap stuff (is this rap??) isn't usually my kind of thing, but this is so fucking sad.  You can tell his heart has been broken before.
• 'She's Not Dead' by Suede.  From their debut album.  Wonderfully melancholic.
• 'Ieya' by Toyah Wilcox - yes, you may laugh but I love this track.  From a great album called 'The Edge of The Seventies' - some great new wave tracks on there.  
• 'Falling Down' by Travis - from their first album - before they got a bit dull.  Another great track from that album is 'U16 Girls' - it's a good 'un.
• 'Mid-Life Krysis' by Travis.  By 'eck, they've done some good tracks, this lot.  Went to see them with Madam Verte at Newcastle Riverside in 2004.  Except that it's called Foundation - it was the old Riverside club.
• 'The Sun Ain't Gonna Shine Anymore' - The Walker Brothers.  The only bad thing is that it was used in that bloody awful drama 'Truly Madly Deeply'. 
• 'No Regrets' by Scott Walker - what a voice.  Just brilliant.
• 'My Favourite Dress' by The Wedding Present - my first boyfriend loved them.  I sometimes think that he had a wee crush on singer, David Gedge.  Fab song, so can fully understand if he did!
• 'Infinity' by The XX.  I can't begin to explain how much I love this song.  One of my top 10 fave tracks - ever.
• 'Fine Time' by Yazz.  Ancient track from around 1989-ish.  Reminds me of carefree days at school with good friends.
• 'Throw It All Away' by Zero 7.  This is a great track.  From the album 'The Garden', which was pretty poor by comparison.

And there you have it.  My recommendations.  My favourite tracks of all time.  So far.........

Check some of them out - I guarantee that there are some real gems in there. 

And some of my favourite tracks of all time.....

I blogged yesterday about seminal albums in my life.  Albums were hard enough to weedle down.  Singles are quite another matter.  I have over 8500 songs in my iTunes account and many, many more that I haven't even downloaded to iTunes....yet.  The CD boxes are stacked in crates in any spare cupboard and my shed.  It will be a huge task to sort them all out, I'm sure.  So, without further ado, let's take a sentimental journey down Madam Noir's past.......

• 'Money, Money, Money' by Abba - God, I simply loved Abba when I was a child.  I had quite a crush on Agnetha (blonde one).  I wanted to be just like her.  Except I am tone deaf.  And look nothing like her.  She was a thing of great beauty - how anyone could have preferred skanky Frida, I'll never know.  This track, I think, is their finest - but it was so hard to choose (bubbling under was 'Fernando', 'Tiger' and 'Slipping Through My Fingers')
• 'Wake Up Alone' by Amy Winehouse.  A fine tune by a disturbed, crazy artist.  Makes me sad when I hear it, but not in a depressed way - sometimes, feeling sad can feel quite nice, don't you think?
• 'Home Lovin' Man' by Andy Williams - this was one of my dad's favourites, and so it always reminds me of him.  He worked away a lot when I was growing up - I can't imagine how hard it must have been for him, living away from his home and family for 5 days a week, only returning on weekends.  
• '505' by Arctic Monkeys - now, this is not the sort of band that I like.  Actually, find them a little annoying.  But this track is wonderful - makes the hairs on the back of my neck get all erect (oo-er...).
• 'I Only Have Eyes For You' by Art Garfunkel - sadly, although I love the song, I do not have eyes for Art, as he is so plug-ugly...I could not watch him perform this.  To this end, he has the perfect face for radio.
• 'The Way We Were' by Barbra Streisand - my mother's influence.  As a child, she would play music in the house - artists like Babs, Dionne Warwick, Dusty Springfield, even Nana Mouskouri (my mam holidayed in Greece as she had a Greek boyfriend before she met my dad).
• 'Scarlet Beautiful' by The Beloved.  I bought the album from which this track came ('Happiness') in 1989.  It was a great, blissed-out album...captured the spirit of the period so well.  But this was a wonderful track.
• 'Touch Me With Your Love' by Beth Orton - she has such a seductive quality about her voice.  Perfect for listening to as it's getting dark outside, candles burning, red wine flowing - and good company (of the female variety...ahem!).
• 'Sexuality' by Billy Bragg - God, this reminds me of going to student nights in Sunderland.  Woolly cardigans and love beads.  Cheap, watered-down ale.  Snogging lads on the stairwell at Ku Club.  Happy days.
• 'Caramel' by Blur.  I always associate this song with someone taking drugs.  I have no idea why, but it sounds like the sonic equivalent of someone shooting up heroin.  Listen to it and see if you get where I'm coming from.  Beautifully layered track, though.  Gorgeous.
• 'The Greatest' by Cat Power.  I don't know much about her, only have one track on my iTunes by her.  But, fuck me...what a great tune.  
• 'Flower' by The Charlatans.   I discovered this in early 1994.  I was ceremoniously dumped by me then boyfriend.  Thought I was going to die of a broken heart.  So, went to visit my Aunty Margaret and Uncle Eddie in deepest, darkest Saddleworth (site of the Moors Murders...nice).  I ventured into Manchester and bought this while I was there.  This tune just seemed to capture something about how I was feeling at the time. 
• 'Wicked Game' by Chris Isaak.  Because it is just fucking gorgeous - that's all.
• 'Lovers and Friends' by The Communards.  A lovely song, Jimmy Somerville's vocals are haunting.  Not sure how he managed to get 'that high'.  Perhaps one of the sound engineers was buggering him during the recording...
• 'Corrupt' by Depeche Mode.  Quite a perverse little number, I think.  But, I love it...
• 'Transatlanticism' by Death Cab For Cutie.  This is a wonderful song.  Was used in an episode of Six Feet Under, but I think I discovered it before this.  It makes me sad and happy all at once.  I recall that Debbie (ex) loved it too when she first heard it.
• 'Newborn' by Depeche Mode.  OK, reader.  This is going to come as a huge shock to you.  This is my absolute favourite Mode track. Ever. It's immense, love love love it.  It is criminal that it was only ever a B-side (of 'A Pain That I'm Used To').  Dave Gahan's vocals are superb - like he really means every word.  
• 'Don't Leave Home' by Dido.  Yes, a rather unfashionable choice, but I love this track.  Great lyrics too.
• 'Secret Love' by Doris Day - every closeted lesbian's track of choice!  And I am no exception.  
• 'M62 Song' by Doves - this is a gorgeous album track.  Very atmospheric.  I once drove on the M62 past the moors whilst listening to this - dead spooky!  The M62 approaching Saddleworth is my favourite stretch of motorway (is that weird, to have a favourite bit of motorway?)
• 'Stepping Stone' by Duffy.  Christ, think I have been used as a stepping stone a few times.  But, I live to tell the tale, eh?  Fuckers!!
• 'The Weight Of The World' by Editors.  This is another epic track from Editors.  I love the line 'every little piece of your life will add up to one'.  Simple, but effective - and true.
• 'Beautiful Freak' by Eels.  Because everyone surely wants to be unique - therefore a beautiful freak.  I've never wanted to 'follow the pack' or do anything just because it's fashionable.  I like that about Eels.
• 'The One' by Elton John.  'All I ever needed was 'the one'' - isn't that what we all want?  It's just that some of us can't find them - or perhaps we just don't need them, who knows.
• 'Spiralling' by Erasure.  A cheery little ditty, right at the end of their 'Circus' album from 1987.  Basically, it's about someone wishing themselves dead after a love affair.  Grisly.
• 'Protection' by Massive Attack.  This is a wonderful track, but I cannot watch Tracey Thorn singing.  Her jaw doesn't fit together properly - the bottom bit juts out.  Therefore, she looks like a gimp.  Great voice though.
• 'YFLMD' by Giant Drag.  It's a mighty strange track, but I love it.  Think I mentioned it in an earlier blog entry.  It stands for You Fuck Like My Dad.
• 'Eighth Day' by Hazel O'Connor.  I first heard this track on a Sunday afternoon in the mid-80's listening to Jimmy Saville's golden oldies show.  And I loved it instantly.  Hard to choose between this track and 'Will You?', both of which came from the fantastic 'Breaking Glass' soundtrack.
• 'This Guy's In Love With You' by Herb Alpert and The Tijuana Brass
• 'Big Fun' by Inner City - reminds me of drinking Castaway, whilst under-age in Sunderland City Centre.  And wearing culottes.  
• 'The Lighthouse' by Interpol.  A very atmospheric track, the last one from 'Our Love To Admire'.  I feel extremely privileged to have seen them play this live at Manchester Apollo.  A truly wonderful song - another 'goosepimple' track.
• 'Skyscraper' by Julian Plenti - AKA Interpol singer Paul Banks' solo project - some gorgeous songs on the album, this being my favourite.  He is a fucking genius.
• 'The Kick Inside' by Kate Bush.  The last track from the album of the same name.  I truly don't think that she got better than this album.  My mam had the original vinyl.  Reminds me of her.
• 'Use Somebody' by Kings of Leon.  I love the song, it has personal meaning for me, which I shan't divulge here.  What I will say is I believed every word of it, like a fool.
• 'Light Years' by Kylie Minogue - pure, unadulterated, gay cheese.  But, hell...I love it.
• 'Tigerlily' by La Roux.  Great track, just loved it from the first time I heard it.
• 'Big Gay Heart' by The Lemonheads.  This is fab.  Evan Dando should have been much bigger, but I guess that's drugs for you, eh?  Reminds me of happy times in the early '90's with my fisrt serious boyfriend.
• 'French Kiss' by Lil' Louis - because it sounds fucking filthy.
• 'I Feel Space' by Lindstrom - instrumental track, very chilled out - quite scary in a way that I can't describe.
• 'Forbidden Love' by Madonna - best track (in my opinion) from 'Confessions On A Dancefloor'.  I feel privileged to have seen her play live - chance of a lifetime.

And so, part two of this entry will be completed another time.........just to keep you in suspense.